To My Unborn Baby...

Inhale.


I mustered up the courage to take a test. Nobody knew but me & God. And as I waited for the results I think, "this is too soon! If this turns out positive, then this is just too soon! I'm not ready to have another....to be the mother of 2....am I? God, what are you doing?" 


Exhale.


I look down...it's positive. My stomach jumps into my throat and I feel all anxious and nervous. I live in self-denial for awhile then decide to go back to making dinner and just sort out my feelings and all the while thinking, "this can't be...it just can't be!!"




I tell your big brother, he won't tell....he's only nearly one. But I needed to tell someone!! I waited a little while....a day and a half to be exact...and then I tell your Daddy. Well, your big brother did with a little help from a note attached to his back that read, "I'm going to be a big brother!" Daddy is elated. :) We embrace and share looks of "are we ready to do this again?" all the while knowing....yes, WE ARE. 


This is God's plan.


God's surprise!


God's gift. 




We head out immediately, big brother in tow, and head straight to Sonic. We share a Sonic Blast and start talking details. Details of you. Details of you and big brother. Details of US....a family of 4.

~~~~~~~~

A couple of weeks go by. All is well. I take my vitamins every day...I exercise, eat well, and take care of big brother & Daddy. Daddy carries in all the heavy grocery bags...and I take a nap every afternoon. You make me so tired! But I'm glad, cause I'm your Momma...and I get to take care of you.


We share the news with family and friends. Everyone is so excited! Stories of siblings born close together are shared, advice given, hugs & grins received and passed around. All is well. All is happy. All is good. 

~~~~~~~~

We start planning. We make out a budget for what you might need. Our minds are focused on the future. We talk about where we will live. We talk about you and big brother and the great friends you will be. We talk about you...all the time. I think of you, all the time. Every choice I make is with you in mind. I think, "I can't have that, I can do that, I can't do that, I can have that....." and it's all a joy, because it's all for you. 

~~~~~~~~

10 weeks. 

Inhale, heavy exhale.

"What's the matter?" I notice some signs. A sign that things might not be going as planned, that you might be having some trouble. I cry.

Your Grammy takes me in for a last-minute appointment. All seems fine. All is explainable. All seems well. But I am not. My heart's a-flutter, my look solemn, my eyes off in a different world. Something does not seem right.

I take blood tests...several times. The results are not good....they are whispers that something is not right. I cry again. And again. 

I feel I am losing you. I feel you are going....but I don't lose hope....I NEVER lose hope. My heart won't allow it. Daddy won't allow it either. He is a pillar of strength and encourages me to never lose heart. He never does...he always believed in you. Always.

~~~~~~~~

10 weeks, 6 days. 

We go in for an ultrasound to see if we can see you....to see how you are. Our hearts are heavy. A million thoughts and scenarios go through my mind...but I try and push them out...holding out for hope. HOPE. 

I lay on the table while the sonographer puts cold jelly on my tummy so we can see you. I don't mind, I just want to see you. My heart pounds so loud I am certain everyone can hear. Daddy holds big brother close by. We wait.

We see you. You're so tiny...but you're there. Daddy says he can see your tiny arms and legs. I see them too. Still, the news is not good.....she can't find your heartbeat. She tries again....Nothing. My worst fears are confirmed and I look across at your Daddy. My heart weeps. 

The sonographer leaves the room and I sob. Daddy holds me close and I sob and sob and sob.

They say there is no charge. I frown. :( Like a walking zombie I find my belongings and we walk to the car....then I cry aloud. I am angry! Why!!!??? Why did this have to happen! There are people out there who are aborting their babies and I want mine and can't have it!! I feel like spitting in someone's face! I want someone to feel my pain...to be mad a the world...to slap someone who would dare to hurt a baby. I am angry! 

Daddy sees that I am on the verge of doing something irrational and directs me to sit down in the car. I sit. I cry, and I sit. 

My thoughts turn to numb as we head to see our midwife. I sit quietly. I stare off. I am very quiet. Daddy wants me to talk to him, but I am all out of words for the moment. I am still. Grave, and still.

We talk to the midwife. There is nothing to be done. She prepares me for the days ahead...tells me what I might experience, and I am sent home to wait for a miscarriage. There's no life, they say. It's all over, they say....and I weep.

~~~~~~~~

I never ever didn't want you. I wanted you from the moment I saw those 2 tiny little pink lines. When my mind cried "how?" my heart cried "yes!" The more I thought of you, the more I imagined our life with you. Your Daddy and I had dreams for you...dreams with you, dreams of you. It just doesn't seem real that you won't be with us.

I am still waiting for you to go...but in my heart I hope it's all a mistake and that you'll never really go. Maybe they are wrong! I feel the signs that you are going, but my heart won't allow me to go there until it's all over. 

A few days go by.

I sit quietly and place my hand on my belly. You're still in there and I think, "this is the closest I will ever get to holding you." I cry aloud...deep sobs....and my body can't contain it. I hold my belly, not wanting to let go. I feel closer to you that way. I whisper to you that all will be alright...but you don't hear me...you never will. 

A couple more days go by. 

We attend a wedding. There are lots and lots of babies there. I hear the message, I see the happy couple, I see the children playing on the grass and I think, "life is precious...each baby...each person...a miracle." I cry again but I am okay. God fills me with peace.

~~~~~~~~

I always loved you and I always will. I know where my Hope lies and in Whom. I know where you really are and that you are safe. I am still waiting for you to go, am pained each day by this slow releasing, but I am okay....cause I know you're okay. You're more than okay...you're in Heaven.

I love you always my Sweet Baby.

Love,

Your Mommy

A Birth Story

I was being sentimental today, so I made a little video of Cole's birth that I thought I would share with you. Each stage that brought him closer to us is precious to me; memories that will be forever etched into my mind. I think as a new mother the story, our story, of how our Cole was born is so intensely personal, yet at the same time too beautiful and natural not to share. I hope you enjoy this video.

Love & life to you,

Gail

The Nursery

I have had several people nag encourage me to post pictures of the nursery, so today I thought I would finally do it! This was an on-going project of mine throughout my pregnancy that took a lot of blood, sweat and tears (tears of joy that it was done!) and was such a pleasure to put together for our little one.

Baby Cole's Nursery

We found the crib on Craigslist and the bassinet

(which we keep in our bedroom now)I found

at a thrift store. My mother and I lined it with a soft

off-white material for additional comfort.

The green knitted blanket is a gift made by my mother

and the blue one across the bed was made by a

friend of mine. Handmade baby gifts are the best!

I found this adorable lamp and nightstand

at the Christmas Tree Shops, as well

as the brown sisal rug in the middle of the room.

This is my new favorite store...they have A-mazing deals!

The bed, mirror and dresser-turned changing table

I found at a garage sale for a steal. I painted them a light

gray. The bed & breakfast tray I found at Goodwill

and painted the same color.

Remember this $40 garage sale beauty?

It's surprising comfortable and has already

gotten a lot of use. ;0)

Many a diaper has been changed here already.

I love the drawers for the storage space and

use them to house all of his clothes and

baby necessities.

I've had these vintage pictures for quite some time now,

just waiting for the perfect use for them.

Matthew spray painted some old wooden frames white

and I used fabric I already had on hand

to create the backdrop.

I just love the old artwork.

A shower gift. ;) Love it.

More vintage books. ;0) The "Snips & Snails" frame

is one I already had on hand that I freshened up

with a coat of white paint.

My Grandmother Linda made the bed skirts and pillow.

I just love the way they coordinate with the rest of the

nursery.

This is a sweet card made from an artist

friend of mine. It was too cute not to frame. ;)

Bed & breakfast tray already stocked with reading material.

The book on the left is what I used as my inspiration

when choosing colors for the nursery.

The pom poms I made from yarn in the vintage

colors drawn from the book inspiration and a nifty

pom-pom maker given to me by my sweet

mother-in-law, Ruthanne. ;0)

Love & Happy Decorating,

Gail

Cool Stools

As I've mentioned before, "nesting" has really taken over....so much so that things that are waaay unrelated to baby coming are still at the top of my list of "to dos".

I bought these green bar stools on Craigslist for $10 a stool. Immediately I thought, "need new paint". For only $10 a pop, I knew investing in a little paint wouldn't be a bank-killer.

When discussing my plans one night with my family to pick up the stools from the Craigslist seller, somebody (whose name I will not mention) decided to remind us of the other definition for stools. That led to reading all the emails again between the seller and I....which as you can see, struck us as quite funny.

Here's what the stools look like now, painted black. Much better I think. I love them because I use them every single day when eating breakfast, lunch, or hahaha....checking things off my list. ;0)

Paint stools: check.

Have a beautiful & craftsy day,

Gail

Love is on the way....

Matt & I had such a blast this past Sunday doing a preggy photo shoot with talented photographer Taylor Lord. Check out her blog here to see more photos of our fun morning. ;0) You'll probably have to scroll down a little to see our shoot....you can't miss it.

Love & hugs,

Gail

You know you're "nesting" when....

Hey Folks!

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile, but I've been doing a lot of fun projects lately that have kept me busy. I'm totally in "nesting" mode, which has resulted in me getting quite a few things done around here!

It's funny how nesting seems to take over the pregnant woman....it's actually ridiculous how it plays out sometimes.

For example....

1. You make an enormous list of necessary "Things to do before baby comes" and check it frequently to see how you're doing ( most things on list are not absolutely necessary and I know it...ahem).

2. You declutter all your closets and drawers.

3. You find yourself doing things 3 months in advance than you normally would.

4. You buy 4 different blankets for the nursery, decide on which one to actually keep, then take 3 of them back.

5. You can't get to bed at night cause you're up deciding what color to paint the nursery.

6. Your sense of urgency goes from "I'll do that later" to "there is no later!"

7. You soak up every bit of information about labor, breastfeeding, caring for an infant, etc. as possible.

8. You have 2 magazines and 3 books about pregnancy, labor, etc. on your beside table at all times.

9. You find yourself wanting to organize everyone else's life, too. (they need my help!)

....and for the worst....

10. You organize your "junk drawer" in the kitchen.

Silly I know....but hey...it happens! Matthew laughed out loud the other night when he saw me organizing and refolding the tablecloths in the linen closet after midnight. I just had to do one more thing before I went to bed....or it would have driven me out of bed at 2 am! Why do we do this? I don't know for sure....but somehow I think God has something to do with it...and if that's the case...I'm not arguing. And besides, my house is getting cleaner than ever in the process!

*What's the funniest thing you've ever done while nesting....or strangest nesting story you've ever heard? Do tell!

P.S. When I get to it, I'll post some pics of some of the projects I've been working on lately. ;0)

Have a beautiful, quirky day,

Gail

Silly Momma

I thought I'd have a little fun this time with the pregnancy update photos.

Here's me at 28 weeks. Only 12 more (give or take) to go!!!

In other pregnancy news, I'm feeling really great these days and love every minute enjoying our sweet baby's movement...be it gentle jabs, rolls, or full-out kicks in the belly! I've been trying to walk every morning to keep in shape too. My midwife says that thinner and stronger mommies have easier deliveries....and since we're going Au-natural with the delivery, I'm taking advantage of anything that helps on this side of the journey! I'm also documenting everything I eat so I can see what my habits are. It keeps me humble and helps me think twice before serving up a double helping of icecream. ;0) But no worries...I'm still getting my cravings in....just trying to be more wise with them so baby is healthy too!

I hope that whoever is out there that is reading my little blog is enjoying their day and is filled with God's grace & joy today. Take a look outside....it's a beautiful day out there. And if you're reading this, send me a note...I'd love to hear from you!

God bless,

Gail

{22} Weeks

Saturday I crossed over the 22 week mark. Yay! I'm feeling the little guy kick now...which has been just the coolest thing ever! Every time I feel him move I think, "wow....this truly is a miracle". I can't wait to meet him in 4 months!

Here's a few pics I thought I'd share...

I broke down the other day (it didn't take much to get me there) and bought a few maternity things. It's amazing how easily I gave up the right to wear normal clothes (at least bottoms). Maternity clothes are SOOO much more comfortable....I don't care what people say about the huge elastic bands...they're necessary!

Have a beautiful day,

Gail

{Almost} 21 Weeks

Tomorrow I'll be 21 weeks! Yay! Today we had our monthly appointment and the doc had nothing but wonderful things to say about our little guy. Looks like we're a "textbook" pregnancy. Who's complaining...not me!

Here's recent "belly" pics:

Have a blessed weekend,

Gail

{Gender-Reveal Party}The Truth is in the Icing

This past weekend Matthew and I had a party to announce the gender of our precious baby. ;0) It wa such a fun party! With all our favorite people (minus a few) in the same room to share the excitement with, it sure was a night to remember!

I sent out these invitations prior to the party....

I found lots of online inspiration from fellow bloggers and preggies alike, which I soaked up with enthusiasm!

Here are some fun photos of the evening....

Here's the dining room with all the

goodies! I carried out the yellow and orange from the

invitation throughout the party.

Paper flag banner & fun chalkboard sign

that I made....

....and super easy tissue pom-poms. I used lots

of these throughout the house.

Fresh orange gerbera daisies with alstromeria

in tall glass cylinders rounded out the

refreshment table.

We asked everyone to wear either pink or blue

based on their guess of what it would be.

Here's my sweet Mema going all out

for Team Pink! I love it!

Yummy Orange Crush sodas.

My wonderful sister, Gwen, who made the delicious

cake that held the secret of the gender!

Don't worry, I didn't peek. ;0)

A very large Team Pink!

A humble Team Blue. Haha!

Playing the "Speed Diaper Changing" game. This game

was hilarious to watch.....especially the guys. Sorry guys!

Another fun game- Baby Jeopardy!

The all-too-serious Jeopardy crowd.

Me & my lovely Mom, Cindy. Love you, Mom!

My Dad, Brother & Me going strong

for Team Pink.

My Besties! I love you, girls!

And the cake revealed......

It's a BOY!!!!

Happy Parents-to-be. ;0)

XOXO,

Gail

17 Weeks: Belly Pics

I felt brave enough to post some belly pics finally...seeing as how I'm actually showing now, and not just in that "man, she looks like she's gained weight" stage. Ha!

~17 Weeks~

According to "Baby Center" online:

"Your baby's skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord — her lifeline to the placenta — is growing stronger and thicker. Your baby weighs 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and she's around 5 inches long from head to bottom. She can move her joints, and her sweat glands are starting to develop."

But don't be fooled by the "her"...we haven't found out yet if it's a boy or girl. Only 17 more days until we do! I can't wait!

XOXO,

Gail