I mustered up the courage to take a test. Nobody knew but me & God. And as I waited for the results I think, "this is too soon! If this turns out positive, then this is just too soon! I'm not ready to have another....to be the mother of 2....am I? God, what are you doing?"
I look down...it's positive. My stomach jumps into my throat and I feel all anxious and nervous. I live in self-denial for awhile then decide to go back to making dinner and just sort out my feelings and all the while thinking, "this can't be...it just can't be!!"
I tell your big brother, he won't tell....he's only nearly one. But I needed to tell someone!! I waited a little while....a day and a half to be exact...and then I tell your Daddy. Well, your big brother did with a little help from a note attached to his back that read, "I'm going to be a big brother!" Daddy is elated. :) We embrace and share looks of "are we ready to do this again?" all the while knowing....yes, WE ARE.
This is God's plan.
We head out immediately, big brother in tow, and head straight to Sonic. We share a Sonic Blast and start talking details. Details of you. Details of you and big brother. Details of US....a family of 4.
A couple of weeks go by. All is well. I take my vitamins every day...I exercise, eat well, and take care of big brother & Daddy. Daddy carries in all the heavy grocery bags...and I take a nap every afternoon. You make me so tired! But I'm glad, cause I'm your Momma...and I get to take care of you.
We share the news with family and friends. Everyone is so excited! Stories of siblings born close together are shared, advice given, hugs & grins received and passed around. All is well. All is happy. All is good.
We start planning. We make out a budget for what you might need. Our minds are focused on the future. We talk about where we will live. We talk about you and big brother and the great friends you will be. We talk about you...all the time. I think of you, all the time. Every choice I make is with you in mind. I think, "I can't have that, I can do that, I can't do that, I can have that....." and it's all a joy, because it's all for you.
Inhale, heavy exhale.
"What's the matter?" I notice some signs. A sign that things might not be going as planned, that you might be having some trouble. I cry.
Your Grammy takes me in for a last-minute appointment. All seems fine. All is explainable. All seems well. But I am not. My heart's a-flutter, my look solemn, my eyes off in a different world. Something does not seem right.
I take blood tests...several times. The results are not good....they are whispers that something is not right. I cry again. And again.
I feel I am losing you. I feel you are going....but I don't lose hope....I NEVER lose hope. My heart won't allow it. Daddy won't allow it either. He is a pillar of strength and encourages me to never lose heart. He never does...he always believed in you. Always.
10 weeks, 6 days.
We go in for an ultrasound to see if we can see you....to see how you are. Our hearts are heavy. A million thoughts and scenarios go through my mind...but I try and push them out...holding out for hope. HOPE.
I lay on the table while the sonographer puts cold jelly on my tummy so we can see you. I don't mind, I just want to see you. My heart pounds so loud I am certain everyone can hear. Daddy holds big brother close by. We wait.
We see you. You're so tiny...but you're there. Daddy says he can see your tiny arms and legs. I see them too. Still, the news is not good.....she can't find your heartbeat. She tries again....Nothing. My worst fears are confirmed and I look across at your Daddy. My heart weeps.
The sonographer leaves the room and I sob. Daddy holds me close and I sob and sob and sob.
They say there is no charge. I frown. :( Like a walking zombie I find my belongings and we walk to the car....then I cry aloud. I am angry! Why!!!??? Why did this have to happen! There are people out there who are aborting their babies and I want mine and can't have it!! I feel like spitting in someone's face! I want someone to feel my pain...to be mad a the world...to slap someone who would dare to hurt a baby. I am angry!
Daddy sees that I am on the verge of doing something irrational and directs me to sit down in the car. I sit. I cry, and I sit.
My thoughts turn to numb as we head to see our midwife. I sit quietly. I stare off. I am very quiet. Daddy wants me to talk to him, but I am all out of words for the moment. I am still. Grave, and still.
We talk to the midwife. There is nothing to be done. She prepares me for the days ahead...tells me what I might experience, and I am sent home to wait for a miscarriage. There's no life, they say. It's all over, they say....and I weep.
I never ever didn't want you. I wanted you from the moment I saw those 2 tiny little pink lines. When my mind cried "how?" my heart cried "yes!" The more I thought of you, the more I imagined our life with you. Your Daddy and I had dreams for you...dreams with you, dreams of you. It just doesn't seem real that you won't be with us.
I am still waiting for you to go...but in my heart I hope it's all a mistake and that you'll never really go. Maybe they are wrong! I feel the signs that you are going, but my heart won't allow me to go there until it's all over.
A few days go by.
I sit quietly and place my hand on my belly. You're still in there and I think, "this is the closest I will ever get to holding you." I cry aloud...deep sobs....and my body can't contain it. I hold my belly, not wanting to let go. I feel closer to you that way. I whisper to you that all will be alright...but you don't hear me...you never will.
A couple more days go by.
We attend a wedding. There are lots and lots of babies there. I hear the message, I see the happy couple, I see the children playing on the grass and I think, "life is precious...each baby...each person...a miracle." I cry again but I am okay. God fills me with peace.
I always loved you and I always will. I know where my Hope lies and in Whom. I know where you really are and that you are safe. I am still waiting for you to go, am pained each day by this slow releasing, but I am okay....cause I know you're okay. You're more than okay...you're in Heaven.
I love you always my Sweet Baby.